Somewhat Sardonic

Sometimes I Get in Fights with People on the Internet.

2010-11-28T21:45:00.000-08:00

You Need 15 seconds of Laughter.

2010-11-08T00:11:00.000-08:00

Forget your love/hate relationship with higher education for fifteen glorious seconds. Unless you watch it twice. Like I do.

This is commitment, people!

What I did With My Extra Hour.

2010-11-07T09:39:00.000-08:00

You know when you have an assignment due but don't want to do it but you stay up anyways thinking you'll do it if you have more time but end up watching YouTube videos of Britain's Got Talent instead and then wake up the next morning more stressed with less time to do the assignment? Then you go to the neighborhood donut shop, order a dozen long johns and the lady behind the counter's all "Another party?" and you're like "Huh? Oh, yeah. Another party," and end up eating half the donuts in your car on the way to Jack In the Box, only to, five hours later, hand in an assignment you actually enjoyed writing?

Me either. That's why I spent my Daylight Savings Hour doing laundry, cleaning up around the house, getting a head start on my work, and volunteering with kittens.

Current List of Things I Want but Don't Want to Buy.*

2010-11-05T23:59:00.000-07:00

1) A Nylon Rug. For walking.

This one says, “Why take a chance on scaring women away?”

2) A Dresser. For clothing.

Cats not included.

3) Harney & Son Earl Gray tea. For sipping.

Them shits is delicious. That's their actual tag line.

4) A full-size bed. For sleeping.

Reminds me of the summer I was really into The Sims. Until I entered the cheat code for unlimited money. Which is [Ctrl] + [Shift] + C, "klapaucius," then, "!;!;!;!;!;!;!;!;!;!. You’re welcome.

5) An FM transmitter. For listening.

To all my legally downloaded Kanye re-mixes.

6) Diamond studs. For wearing.

Three month’s salary. Because I make $150 every two weeks. J WORTH IT.

7) A kitten. For cuddling.

The one on the right is my real cat. In my real backyard. Who I’ll be replacing with a kitten.

*By "don't want to buy," I mean "Could buy but then wouldn't have any money."

___

Dear Stalker Internet Boyfriend,

It's me, Pauline. But you already knew that LOL! Anywho, when we finally meet on accident at a time and place of your careful planning, presenting me with any one of the above items would result in my immediate happiness. And you want that right? For a little while? Before I refuse your advances and you string me up like a pinata off the line, "If I can't have you, nobody will." Thanks.

There's always Calgon.

2010-11-04T15:24:00.001-07:00

I had a dream the other night in which salt and pepper came out of my salt shaker. Upon waking, I realized how desperately I'm in need of a vacation.

It doesn't have to be Scotland (someday!), or France ("Croissant with a side of snobbery, si vous plait) or even the Grand Canyon. I've just gotta get OUT.

Insert relevant Lauryn Hill song.

But where to go? Perhaps here...

(from Yahoo! Travel)

Big Sur, California
Iconic Route 1 extends almost the entire length of California, but our favorite stretch for road trips is through Big Sur, which comprises 90 or so miles along the central coast from San Simeon to Carmel. Big Sur’s beauty is not overrated: Sandwiched between the Santa Lucia mountains and the Pacific – redwood groves on one side and rocky beaches with sea lions on the other – it’s remarkably unspoiled, partly because the only access is via the two-lane Route 1, or Cabrillo Highway. Devote a long weekend, ideally in May or September for fewer crowds. Start out in San Jose, which has the closest major airport, and head south 74 miles on U.S. 101. Merge onto Route 156 and pick up Route 1, cruise through Monterey and Carmel, and then enter Big Sur proper. There are no big towns, only small clusters of roadside restaurants and stores, so fill the gas tank in advance. The road twists along precipitous cliffs and it can be a relief to stop for impromptu hiking, picnicking, or beachcombing (try Jade Cove for its namesake stone). A bohemian Eden in the 1960s, when Jack Kerouac and Henry Miller spent time here, Big Sur is an area where their free-spirit vibe still lingers.

Free-spirit vibe? Sounds good. Beachcombing? I'll bring a book. But maybe a weekend vacation is one of those things you should do but don't end up doing. Like taking multi-vitamins. Or wearing sunscreen. And flossing. I guess it's really about the kind of person you want to be: one who thinks of doing stuff, or one who does them.
That got philosophical fast.

Goodbye, old car!

2010-10-15T22:19:00.000-07:00

The first minute of me in my new Honda Accord.

My old car had 117,000 miles, wouldn't accelerate and made me cry. But I saw this one and immediately felt safe. Life gets better, everyone. :0)

So long, trouble car.

Stifled by Possibilities

2010-10-03T12:01:00.000-07:00

Oh, to be a red arrow.*

I don't often feel like I'm swimming upstream with a gimp fin, but I do today.

It wasn't provoked, like a sense of nausea one feels after eating too much pizza or the knowing that one will spend the day a dull-eyed, zombie-ghost after pulling all-nighter. Instead, this morning's stressball under my left rib seems to have come out of nowhere.

"Out of nowhere." I suppose that's not really true. After all, I freak out for a finite number of reasons. And today's finite (as of 12:05 -- who knows what the *rest* of the day entails) is direction-related. In that I don't have any. Direction that is.

It's one thing to be working a suck job in the industry. If you want to be an agent, welcome to the mail room. If you want to be an actor, welcome to a life of endless auditions and constant rejections. CEO? You'll have to start as a junior analyst. But all of these are rungs on specific ladders and at this point, I'm unclear which ladder to choose, and that's another thing entirely. As a consequence, all I see is the success of others, hard at work climbing their ladders, and the gulf between my indecision and the largeness of my own dreams - a house, a car that doesn't make me want to kill myself, and a family of cats emotionally-supportive cats.

The result is a stressball. Under my left rib. Despite my aroma-therapy lavender body soak.

Soothes and calms, yes. But can it make my decisions?

And why is it always a stressball? Why can't it be a stress ovule? A stress rectangle? A stress trapezoid? I don't want relief, really, just a different shape of anxiety.

The experience reminds me of all those career aptitude tests we had to fill out in high school. All those games of "Life" when I drew a specific card and had to settle for my annual salary and that was that. Not so much the case anymore. And not so easy. At present, I'm just stifled by possibilities.

*Incidentally, the title of this randomly-selected graphic is "Choosing a Career Direction." Irony not lost on me, sir.

The Morning After

2010-09-30T12:29:00.000-07:00

Waking up after a fast food binge is like waking up after a one-night stand. Head's groggy. Sense of disorientation. Wendy's and McDonald's wrapper strewn carelessly about the floor. And most of all: a sense of regret. Mixed with indigestion.

Since it's not often I indulge in drive-through delicacies (I've got a figure to maintain, boys), I'll run through the inciting incidents of the event, if only as a tool for future prevention. So, without further ado:

~*~*The CHRONOLOGY of a Fast-Food One-Night Stand*~

8: 00 AM- Woke up tired. Bleary-eyed despite a full 6 hours of sleep. Below average, indeed, but not something crazy. Like 3. Or none. Still, I'd spent the night previous freaking out about an upcoming pitch. I called a friend who talked me down from my emotional ledge and suggested I break the project into smaller, more manageable pieces. Shit advice if you ask me. Went to bed by 2 AM.

9:30 AM - Cup of soymilk and a Quaker Oats granola bar...breakfast of champions.

9: 43 AM - Turn ignition on my rental car, the Suzuki SX4 Crossover. My Lexus is in the shop. My stupid, ugly, too-expensive, always-has-fucking-problems Lexus. And the CD player in the Suzuki actually works. Listen to Acapella gospel music on the way to class. Breathe a little.

9:58 AM - Walk into class. Head felt like a cotton ball. Eyes dry. Vagina normal. Listen to teacher give talk on story structure. Attempt to take notes but realize while I remembered my presentation, I forgot my notebook. Scribble "build sequences out of active goals" and "The Essentials of Screenwriting by Richard Walter" on back of a handout. Eerily calm about presentation. Eerily calm or too drained to experience human emotion.

10:50-11 AM - Class Break. Head to bathroom. Attempt to fluff out hair. Am surprised to see my eyes don't look as beady as they feel. Inhale/Exhale for two counts. Say a little prayer for (you, specifically).

11:03 - In class. Stretch. Miss the opportunity to raise my hand to go first and get it out of the way. F.

11:05-11:35-ish- Listen to classmate's presentation. His notecards look way more professional. F. And he's going scene-by-scene; I'm only going beat-by-beat. Double-F. Smile and nod politely.

11:38-12:05- Pitch movie to class. Nervous first 2 minutes, then calm, then relieved. Teachers says, "Good." Mission accomplished.

1:15- Hungry, hungry, hungry. Buy chicken soup at Thai place. It's too hot (temperature) to eat immediately.

1:20- Buy chicken patty from Jamaican place. I DON'T CARE HOW THEY MAKE IT! Eat it in the car.

1:45- Top off rental car at gas station. Buy candy and coffee.

2:30- Home. Presentation over. This week. Car repaired. For now. Pop in Curb Your Enthusiasm. Proceed to eat everything in sight.

6:50- Ten minutes to class. Getting hungry. Browse display case of Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. Iced latte it is.

9:43- In class. Officially hungry. An hour to go. Go to the "bathroom." Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf officially closed, 10 minutes ahead of schedule. F-diggity.

10:15- Classmate orders pizza. Pony up 2$ for a slice. What's that, every article about late night eating ever?

11 PM- Still hungry. And frustrated. Long day. The perfect storm of fast food dining. Jack in the Box cheeseburger and chicken strips, anyone? Sia-nara waist.

TAKE AWAYS: More sleep, more breakfast, less procrastination, and plan more food options for on-the-go. And cats. Maybe I need cats.

Top 10 Songs I Over-exert myself to At the Gym

2010-09-26T20:21:00.001-07:00

1) All About the Benjamins - Puffy ft. Biggie Smalls

2) Hypnotize - Biggie Smalls

3) Stuck on You - Stacie Orrico

4) Everywhere I Go - Amy Grant

5) You've Been Wrong - Toni Braxton

6) I Will Not Be Broken - Bonnie Raitt

7) I'll Dip - Aretha Franklin

8) Say - John Mayer

9) Jump - Madonna

10) Off That - Jay-Z

SITE CHANGE

2010-07-27T11:21:00.000-07:00

HI FRIENDS.

Somewhat Sardonic is now updating here.

The head and thus "intelligence" is not an option in this photo, y'all. So. There's that.

2010-05-26T22:45:00.000-07:00

Year 2 Down the Hatch

2010-05-06T22:02:00.000-07:00

Two years of Film School complete, and it ended with packing, sushi, and logging in to Hulu.com to watch "It's Always Sunny."

Yep. Now, if you'll excuse me...(Closes eyes...fades out)

:)

2010-05-02T13:48:00.000-07:00

Katy and Russell. Me thinks this is a little like Beauty and the Beast.

Dear Webtrotters,

2010-04-28T11:56:00.000-07:00

It's me, Pauline. Owner of this blog. Well, owner insofar as one can own a site sponsored by a free website. Anywho, I know you've been checking in on me, hopes dashed with every un-updated season, until, soon, your clicks became less frequent and altogether stopped.

I understand. And I'm not apologizing. To you.

Allow me to explain.

I've been lost for 2 years, in a concrete jungle that looks like Los Angeles, smells like Los Angeles, and tastes like fast food and "authentic" burritos prepared on a truck. I've stopped asking myself what was interesting to me, so much of which was posted in the early heyday of this blog, and started cramming White Male Protagonists with unexpressed anger issues into Courier 12 font. And its gotten me nowhere. Well, not nowhere per se. It's gotten me through two years of academic study and a completed graduate thesis, accomplishments of which I'm marginally proud (like my White Male Protagonists, I have a number of unexpressed issues that result -- or perhaps stem from-- a deep distrust of myself . Don't worry, Gentle Reader, these issues are being teased out with a professional comb).

I'd planned in this part to say something dramatic like, "I'm not going to apologize to you, I'm going to apologize to myself for not taking time to listen to the heartbeat of my own ideas, and for poisoning my own well of creativity...."

Yep. Dramatic. Metaphors were afoot. But I'm not gonna do it. Instead, I'll declare to you and anyone who Googles "Kristen Wigg + photos" that...well, nothing. That that's the course of events which preceded this post, and that the events afterwards may or may not have something to do with a Great Scheme of Self Improvement and Re-dedication To BlogWriting In General.

In the meantime, however, I'm reading this and quite enjoying it.

Thanks so much,

I want to do stuff like THIS in Grad School, Yo.

2010-03-07T11:10:00.000-08:00

Made these with my dad and my sister. In the kitchen. Two years ago. When writing was fun. :0)

Happy New Year!

2009-12-31T23:40:00.000-08:00

You Get a Car! And You Get A Car...

2009-11-19T16:25:00.000-08:00

You Get a Car! And You Get A Car...

YAY!

My Reese's Puffs Rap

2009-11-19T14:16:00.001-08:00

God bless the people who write copy for the back of cereal boxes. Here's the rap I've created by following the guide on the Reese's Puffs box. The selections I've chosen are (in parenthesis).

My Reese's Puffs Rap

That peanut butter chocolate (I must confess)

Is the (Duo) that I (Savor) that (I must possess)

Reese's Puffs Reese's Puffs, In your bowl, In your bowl!

Recognize the taste that I (Flavor)

Reese's Puffs Reese's Puffs,

Wow peanut butter chocolate (Craver)!

So crucial to my (Crunching) vernacular,

That peanut butter (mix) is oh so spectacular!

Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs!

My Reese's Puffs are (L-l-lyrical)

Each peanut butter orb is (a miracle)!

Reese's Puffs, Reese's Puffs, in your bowl, in your bowl!

FYI: School Spirit Tic Tacs taste like

2009-09-28T12:13:00.000-07:00

cherries.

And Lance Armstrong won't take out the trash.

crazy melons

2009-09-27T12:50:00.000-07:00

After losing a particularly succulent piece of honeydew to the accumulated dust of the outdoor patio table, I asked myself why I contintued to dump said freshtly-cut pieces into an overcrowded bowl.

Why keep doing what doesn't work? Is not this a definition of insanity?

It made me wonder what other succulent pieces of s*hit I tolerate.

Here's a list:

1- 3AM text messages from 53-year olds.

2- Procrastination (more on this later).

3- Waiting until I run completely out of socks. I mean, there's a free w/d outside my door. I have to walk past it to fill my eco-friendly canteen in the morning.

4- Library Fines. Sure, it would take 10 seconds to renew online and yeah, there's the link to do it, but do you actually know anyone who ended up in the poor house from fifteen cents a day? Me thinks not.

5- Cougar Town, with Courtney Cox. What? Some of the dialogue is snappy.

slice of life

2009-09-24T00:19:00.000-07:00

The carrot cake is so sweet my tooth ached on contact. Doesn't help that I have a cavity. Two cavities. Okay, three.

The 23rd Street Cafe

box of to-be-hung pictures

horoscopes taped daily to the back of the espresso machine

a fire extinguisher loose 'n ready

non-denominational colored lights on the patio

huge slice of carrot cake with white leaves of chocolate

upbeat but un-annoying music

I swear they deliberately made that dog look sad.

2009-09-06T16:31:00.001-07:00

Tidbits

2009-08-22T12:54:00.000-07:00

1) Who is this tall drink of water?

http://www.apple.com/iphone/guidedtour/#medium

2) Black people date by taking each other to three dollar-sign restaurants.

3) Shouldn't water filtration systems like Brita and PUR use something other than plastic containers?

4) New Zealand Jazz apples taste like candy.

My $40,000 Opinion on...

2009-08-18T14:53:00.001-07:00

Just started watching Lost (I know, right?) And I decided to share my thoughts. In the future, I hope to compile this list of running thoughts into more of a... system... but for now, consider these notes I'd give in the writer's room. In my head.

On Ep. 12 - Fire + Water

-Why is Liam in a diaper in Charlie's dream? I get that he's Liam-grown-up, but is it really necessary to put that grown man in a diaper? Do you think the audience won't "get it" without adult diapers?

-Charlie has a dream (again) that Claire's baby is stuck in his piano. The same piano that he was gifted when he was child to enable him to save the family with his music. He looks up to see his mother and Claire dressed like the angels at the cradle. How much did that scene cost?

- Charlie recounts the dreams in front of Mr. Echo. Out loud, his character agrees with the insane nature of the dreams. Feels like a self-reflexive moment.

- Michele Rodriguez asks Jack if he's "hitting that," referring to Kate. Would she really say that? Felt less an Officer Cortez moment and more a "Michele Rodriguez would say this moment."

- The scene where Charlie and the failed members of Drive Shaft are dancing, dressed like babies, in a gigantic crib, feels as degrading to watch as it is for the characters to perform. Worse yet, it feels like amateurish writing. "What's the most degrading thing they could do?" "Dress up like babies for a diaper commercial." How about stealing money from their own mother? When she thinks things with the band are still going great?

- I get that the piano is the object that shows Charlie's character journey through the episode. We see when he gets it, how it is meant to impact his life (save family with music), Claire's baby is trapped inside it, linking his family's safety with the child, and Charlie and his tweaked-out brother write a song together "like before," so things are looking up until... Liam sells Charlie's piano (ie. their hope of being a family) to get the money for a plane ticket to Sydney. So he can be with his wife and newborn. Aside from being spoon-fed the metaphor... can you really buy a plane ticket with a twenty-year old standard-issue piano?

- Then Locke keeps the Virgin Mary Heroin? hmm......

On Ep. 13 - The Long Con

-How does everyone understand Korean?

-Sawyer's gun lust feels unmotivated. Which Kate addresses at the end of the episode with, "I don't think this has anything to do with guns. I think you want people to hate you."

- Hugo is Od'ing a bit on the "wide-eyed kid" routine. His die-hard optimism is starting to wear on me.

- Charlie is John Locke's nemesis? Yawn.

Running List of Men I would Currently Marry: UPDATE

2009-08-15T11:09:00.001-07:00

Name: Terry O'Quinn

You May Know Him As: John Locke, resident boar-hunter in ABC's Lost.

Why We're Bethrothed Hypothetically: His cheeks look good for kissing. And he has kind eyes that sparkle when he says or thinks of something funny. Basis for a fruitful matrimony, right?

Favorite line: S1-E13 "Sometimes I'm sneakier than I give myself credit for."

Am I right, guys?

2009-08-05T12:34:00.000-07:00

In which Denis Leary plays "the straight man."

I love this scene because it'd be fun to act. It is almost improv. And I hate this scene because it makes women look as dimensional as a cardboard cutout with a hole for a mouth who interprets innocent references as infidelity. Since all women are like this, why not make love to a picnic table? A: Picnic tables can't make frittatas. And they'd probably accuse you of ogling a jogging stroller.

Stuff You Need in Your Life Right Now

2009-08-04T16:03:00.000-07:00

The Rockapella Folger's Commercial

He has to pull the microphone away like that. It enables the soundiness.

Running List of Men I would Currently Marry

2009-08-03T21:35:00.000-07:00

Name: John Scurti

You May Know Him As: Lt. Lou Shea from FX's Rescue Me

Why we're betrothed hypothetically: Because he knows how to have fun.

Favorite Line: SE5 - EP17 - "They're women, Tommy, they've got more strings than a god-d*mn baseball."

What I Made For Brunch!!!

2009-06-29T11:50:00.000-07:00

Lightly toast an English Muffin. Spread with light margarine. Slice 3 oz. of chicken, layer between stalks of lettuce and tomato medallions, and sprinkle with a tsp. of parmesan. Enjoy with your favorite summer melon :)

2009-06-04T23:54:00.000-07:00

Kyoto Daitoku-ji Temple Zuiho-in Zen Rock Garden

Photo by Glen Allison / Getty Images

The Brownie Batter Blizzard has been HAUNTING MY DREAMS!

2009-06-04T13:18:00.000-07:00

According to the commercial, the DQ Brownie Batter Blizzard contains, "rich brownie batter and real brownie pieces." The medium weighs in at 950 calories, 43 fat grams and 5 grams of fiber. That's 22 Weight Watchers Points, i.e. what I eat in an entire DAY. I'd rather wake up eating my pillow.

UPDATE: 8-17-2009

So, I went home for a few weeks this summer. Because LA is a soul-sucking vortex at times. Especially if you're like me, and prone to staying indoors.

There's the DQ near my house, across from a bar/restaurant that does Karaoke on the weekends. The kind of place I imagine serves rare steak really rare and well-done extra crispy and doesn't tolerate too much in-between.

Anyways, there's a DQ across from it, and I wanted, this summer, a Brownie Batter Blizzard from there. Specifically. But I told myself I couldn't have one. And ate a low-calorie snack bar. And another. Then another again. Until I successfully conquered an entire "Reduced-fat" exclamation-point box. Then, I got in the car, adjusted my mirrors, drove to the DQ, ordered my blizzard, drove home, ate three bites, and was satisfied enough to throw the soggy, beautiful mess away in the trash. Lesson learned: When you want what you want, what you settle for won't do. Even if it's low-cal.

:0)

2009-05-27T20:42:00.000-07:00

this is a t-shirt. it is also situationally relevant.

2009-05-25T11:00:00.000-07:00

clutchtees.com

Our President: He's just like us*!

2009-05-18T11:32:00.000-07:00

_______

Because:

-he makes basketball picks

-his daughters eat Starbursts

-he makes fun of the Special Olympics

-he thinks the Air Force One jacket is cool

-he enjoys leisure sports like bowling and basketball

-he's black. like jesus. who is in all of us. but not like that.**

* The "us" in the title includes those jerks who don't appreciate the triumph of the human spirit known as the Special Olympics.***

**Somewhat Sardonic recognizes the following possibilities: (1) Jesus could be the name of your significant other who indeed is in you "like that." (2) Jesus may have been black but not phenotypically. I mean, c'mon, who had sunscreen back then? (3) You, gentle reader, may actually be Jesus, and you're reading this post because you googled "Kristen Wigg."

***Not that the President is a jerk. Seriously. I'm up financial loan creek with an interest-pending paddle-- I've got enough problems, yo.

TRUST ME :0)

2009-05-12T22:03:00.000-07:00

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - SONY BUILDING- 1997

2009-04-01T08:21:00.000-07:00

"From the top. This time, like a four year old."

A HOTSHOT EXECUTIVE, 28, meticulously laid back in a Polo shirt (TM) and high-end running shoes, sits at the end of a long conference table covered in catered food and ergonomic water bottles. On his left, a SECRETARY, 23, blonde, slim as a reed and pale as a sheet, taps a pen on a canary legal pad.

The frosted glass door swings open.

BOB CLARK, 42, salt-and-pepper hair and GREG MICHAEL, 45, snout for a nose, enter, hands extended. Hotshot Executive, Bob, and Greg exchange curt hand shakes.

BOB/GREG/H.E.

Hi/Howdy/Come on in.

Greg remains standing.

GREG

We know you're busy, so we'll cut to the chase--

BOB

--the chase.

GREG

I love babies--

BOB

--love 'em.

GREG

Bob loves babies.

BOB

L-o-v-e.

GREG

And America loves babies. The top films of the last five years all had babies.

BOB

Every single one. Chock full 'o babies. Or babies all grown up.

Hotshot Executive and Secretary exchange looks that say, "He's got a point there."

GREG

Which brings us to our idea for a movie: Baby Geniuses.

BOB

Well, wait a second Greg. I'm with you on the babies, but geniuses? That's an unexpected twist. Now that I think of it, I've always been slightly curious about people with heightened capabilities.

GREG

That's the beauty of Baby Geniuses, Bob -- now you don't have to choose.

BOB

Finally! And the premise itself is wrought with conflict. Conflict meaning humor.

HOTSHOT EXECUTIVE

So they can recite pi to a hundred digits but can't change their own diaper.

BOB/GREG

Exactly.

HOTSHOT EXECUTIVE

Evil henchman? Inept but lovable adult? Romantic subplot?

GREG

All there. Seek and ye shall find.

The Secretary jots on the legal pad. The Hotshot Executive stands, palm extended.

HOTSHOT EXECUTIVE

Well, thanks for coming in gentlemen. We'll be in touch.

BOB/GREG/H.E.

Sure thing! /Thank you! / Thanks again.

A beat as the frosted doors close.

HOTSHOT EXECUTIVE

Horseshit.

SECRETARY

Pure drivel.

HOTSHOT EXECUTIVE

Then again... can you picture little baby figurines in cereal boxes?

SECRETARY

Absolutely. I mean, parents would have to make sure their babies don't choke on babies, but sure, great instincts--

HOTSHOT EXECUTIVE

Forget it. That idea's going nowhere.

The Secretary tears a page out of the pad. A second later it's a canary crumble.

HOTSHOT EXECUTIVE

See, hon. You've got to go with your gut in this business. Without that, you got nothing. Or toddlers with stethoscopes shitting themselves. Or on a gigantic, sunken ship. Like that pitch last week.

SECRETARY

I know, right? Who wants to watch a movie if they already know the ending?

HOTSHOT EXECUTIVE

You got it.

A beat.

HOTSHOT EXECUTIVE

Wait, what do you mean "you're showing"?

FIN

Parental Discretion is Advised

2009-03-28T23:27:00.000-07:00

So I forgot what a pointer finger was and did what any rational adult would do: I googled it. Someone tell me why this came up?

File under: no longer newsworthy.

2009-03-01T19:04:00.001-08:00

I'm not surprised we've created a high-glycemic drink out of a higher-glycemic pastry. What if you had both the cinnamon roll and the shake for breakfast? Jeez Louise.

Good night, nurse.

In Which Eric Benet Shows He Hasn't Learned a Thing

2009-02-20T12:48:00.000-08:00

Ever think of Something Funny and Realize Someone Else already did it?

2009-01-05T12:56:00.000-08:00

That's exactly how I felt about this. Spicy indeed!

What the fuqty fuq?

2008-12-24T14:06:00.000-08:00

Burn me for a heretic, but these two people look like they're in lust.

More importantly, true love is never misspelled.

Seriously.

I have peremptorily ended relationships on the basis of a typo.

Which means I wouldn't date myself.

...I wonder what Eric Benet is doing right now?

Why I Hate* Sex and the City The Movie

2008-12-20T12:32:00.000-08:00

In two scenes:

1. Louise (Jennifer Hudson) is at a NYE party in St. Louis and all the people are black right as...

2. Mr. Big (Chris Noth) is in a lounge in NYC and all the people are white.

Geez Louise, where is the nuance? I know it's tough when you write in haiku, and it's a big-budget bang for you dollar, common denominator, non-Focus Feature movie, but srsly, not everything/one is so black and white. I suppose <---strikethrough this is my axe to grind.

On a related note, I'm officially banning the word "sassy" from 2009.

*Hate (read: could not get fully vested in)

he's sixty.

2008-12-20T12:10:00.000-08:00

dad (on phone): your sister is eating an egg white omelet.

p: there's nothing wrong with egg whites.

dad: i had scrambled eggs this morning. i had the real thing.

p: and 4.5 more grams of saturated fat. per egg.

dad: o.m.g.

re: Cadillac Records

2008-12-13T20:03:00.000-08:00

Starring Adrien Brody as "Leonard Chess," Jeffrey Wright as "Muddy Waters," and Beyonce Knowles as "White."

for your presidential thirst

2008-11-05T12:47:00.000-08:00

Why I Hate the Dodge Caliber

2008-11-02T01:03:00.000-07:00

A hearse with "flava."

The seatbelt buckles like a motherfucker.

It rides like the back seat of a shopping center roller coaster.

What do you mean single CD changer?

___

If you own a Dodge Caliber and/or Chevy Cobalt, now might be a good time to call your mother. srsly

INT. DODGE CALIBER - NOW

WOMAN'S VOICE (OVER THE PHONE)

Hello?

YOU

Mom?

MOM

Yes? Are you, is everything alright-

YOU

Mom, I took the Honey Do List you left on the fridge,

MOM

Sigmund Freud has a perfectly logical explanation for our feelings, baby-

YOU

It's not that, mom. I'm in the Caliber.

MOM

What?! But it's American made,

YOU

Yes I know just listen,

MOM

Oh God baby,

YOU

I just accelerated through a turn,I don't know how much time I have left,

MOM is SOBBING.

YOU (CONT'D)

I had to call, to say, I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.

MOM

Sure, they compare the rates of up to three leading insurance companies-

YOU

FUCK that's Progressive and I just shifted gears are you trying to kill me?

MOM

No! It's just the girl from the commercials with the buttons is so witty I'm sorry-

YOU

Sorry isn't going to bring Dad back. (a beat) Shit the check engine light is flashing,

MOM

Two yolks. Why couldn't I have been frugal? Who are we the Rockafellers?

YOU

I took the list. I took the keys. I called to let you... damnit. Chevy Cobalt, twelve 'o clock.

MOM

Shit tell me, son/daughter or child of a drug addict cousin

YOU

Mom..., I just accepted your G-chat request.

TIRES SQUEAL. THE SOUND OF METAL AND GLASS.

A DIAL TONE.

TOKYO, JAPAN - CONTINUOUS

Two COAL HAIRED MEN toast SAKES.

FADE OUT.

HIT ME UP

2008-10-06T23:27:00.000-07:00

If you can successfully spot all 14 changes between these two pictures kthx

Quite Possibly the most Anglo couple I have ever seen.

2008-09-27T22:34:00.001-07:00

welcome to a day in my life

2008-09-27T22:29:00.000-07:00

Quite Possibly the Saddest Thing I have ever seen.

2008-09-25T20:22:00.000-07:00

scratch that.

the saddest thing.

http://www.therealestatebloggers.com/2008/09/25/ed-mcmahon-raps-in-free-credit-report-videos-about-foreclosure/

So You Wanna...spoof Maury Povich

2008-08-31T21:48:00.000-07:00

Good Concept. C+ execution. Bonus Points for both "girls" wanting to name their baby Lateesha.

This Week in Dogs Dressed As Humans

2008-08-27T22:35:00.000-07:00

Name: Suze "Suz" Q

Age: A B!tch Never tells.

Hobbies: Snorting smack off neutered cockerspaniels.

Interests: Sniffing self, others. Kibbles. Origami.

Most embarrassing moment: See above.

slow down, sit down, & sip some jasmine green tea

2008-08-20T00:43:00.000-07:00

Avril Lavigne says,

2008-08-13T00:09:00.000-07:00

"If you don't like my line of misses separates available now at Kohl's, that's your fuc&ng problem. "

~*~*~*Abbey Dawn. Because nothing says "punk" like skull-embellished junior Khakis. ~*~

Kyrie Eleison

2008-07-18T13:23:00.000-07:00

I love-love-love this, especially how the guy in the glasses isn't completely into it at first and the other guy just fn goes for it. Let's sing along!

Mr. Mister - Kyrie
The wind blows hard against this mountainside /Across the sea into my soul
It reaches into where I cannot hide / Set-ting my feet upon the road
My heart is old it holds my memories / My body burns a gemlike flame
Somewhere between the soul and soft machine/ Is where I find myself again
Kyrie Eleison
Down the road that I must travel
Kyrie Eleison Through the darkness of the night
Kyrie EleisonWhere I'm going will you follow
Kyrie EleisonOn a highway in the light
When I was young I thought of growing old / Of what my life would mean to me
Would I have followed down my chosen road /Or only wished what I could be.
chorus

Re-submitted. For Her Pleasure. Originally Dated 8/2007,

2008-07-15T00:52:00.000-07:00

Here comes a semi-long post about racial inequality onscreen, inspired by the socially bankrupt box office flop and Who's Your Caddy. If you don't know, its a familiar fish-out-of-water tale, only the (cat) fish is black culture and the water is western hegemony. I was going to pretend I saw nothing wrong with the movie (" Loved it loved it loved it. " ) but that kind of satire takes time. And I ship out tomorrow, baby. So I'll just respond to a quote from Brian Orndorfe of RottenTomatoes.com.

Which was quote, "Wake me when urban films stop using 'get back at whitey' as a comedic device. "

digital tumbleweed

"First of all" Brian, I don't appreciate your tone. Secondly, it's less "get back at whitey" and more "attempt to fit in with whitey."

And thirdly Brian, I don't like your implications. Substitute "urban films" with "black folks" and "using get back at whitey as a comedic device" for, "stop talking about racism" and you'll see my point. Like racial division is no longer socially relevant. And black people alone perpetuate stereotypes of racial difference. Enter Chris Rock's "there are black people in like five places..."

But what do I know? I'm no hotshotproducer, but movies are expensive. So what's bankable about a film like Who's Your Caddy?

[_] Deep down, we're all really the same, etc.

[_] Golf is fun.

[_] Inherent comedy surrounding loud, uncouth blacks attempting to fit into structures of wealth.

[_] Deez Nuts.

Still, maybe I'm overreacting. In the long-run, what does it really matter if on-screen race relations show the same misbalance of power? Who cares if Eddie Murphy will do anything for a dollar? I don't know. Let's ask the screenwriter of Who's Your Caddy screenwriter : Bradley Allenstein. Yep, the same Bradley Allenstein who wrote 2002 smash Juwanna Mann, that epic story about Jamal Jeffries (Miguel A. Nunez, Jr.), the reigning 'bad boy' of basketball, who is thrown off court for bad behavior and then financially strapped and untrained in anything but basketball, and comes up with a plan so outrageous it just might work: dress up like a woman and try out for the woman's basketball league.*

Because it's not just a black guy playing basketball. It's a guy in a dress falling in love.

*paraphrased c/o imdb.com

Neil Young's Heart of Gold

2008-07-06T00:15:00.000-07:00

"Heart Of Gold"

I want to live,

I want to give

I've been a miner

for a heart of gold.

It's these expressions

I never give

That keep me searching

for a heart of gold

And I'm getting old.

Keeps me searching

for a heart of gold

And I'm getting old.

I've been to Hollywood

I've been to Redwood

I crossed the ocean

for a heart of gold

I've been in my mind,

it's such a fine line

That keeps me searching

for a heart of gold

And I'm getting old.

Keeps me searching

for a heart of gold

And I'm getting old.

Keep me searching

for a heart of gold

You keep me searching

for a heart of gold

And I'm growing old.

I've been a miner

for a heart of gold.

Happy Fourth From My Backyard.

2008-07-04T19:35:00.000-07:00

Dear ColumbiaBroadcastingSystem,

2008-06-17T13:00:00.000-07:00

I don't care how hawt the lady on the left is; the man on the right cannot carry a drama. Looks aren't story. Unless it's Dr.90210 god why can't I not watch their marriage fall apart?

What I ate for Dinner.

2008-06-10T21:28:00.000-07:00

I wanted the thing on the left but accidentally got the thing on the right so had to get the thing on the left somewhere else.

I made those brownies. ME.

Slice of Life

2008-06-07T14:42:00.001-07:00

I was just comparing the Sedu Hair Straightener (see above picture) to the CHI and I had the sudden overwhelming urge to eat pizza in NYC's West Village. You know, that little place off 14th street where you can get a custom pie for like $6.

I miss you sometimes, New York City.

This Week in Stone Crazy

2008-06-02T21:54:00.000-07:00

Celebrities are crazy. And by celebrities I mean Sharon Stone. I guess years of peroxide and/or weekly Brazilian waxes in case, you know someone, "actually wants to see it" have destroyed her sense of decorum.

I should have suspected it when she asked P. Diddy if he was "spending his money on crack" at a charity auction, but her recent statements (that the seismic devistation in China is karmic retribution) were quite fantastic.

Enjoy this particularly scathing response from China Daily.

Heart of Stone
(China Daily)
Updated: 2008-06-03 07:48

If the 50-year-old American actress Sharon Stone's aim in using some sensational stuff was to make the Chinese aware of her half-forgotten existence, she has clearly succeeded. Zing

Her remarks on May 22 suggesting that the deadly earthquake in Sichuan, China, was a result of karmic retribution, followed by her defense of the remarks and the refusal to apologize and finally now the apology have brought the fading star back to the media limelight here, to an extent none of her movies has ever seen.

What Sharon Stone says does not change anything here, except her very own reputation.

Nor do we believe her remarks, no matter how mean they are, deserve a fuss like what they have actually stirred.

But we do have a few words for Ms Stone's reference.

Judging from her confession in Cannes, France, especially her friendship with the Dalai Lama, she must have heard something about the Buddhist dialectics of cause and effect. She made the notorious association because she was not happy that the Chinese were not being nice to her friend, the Dalai Lama.

Was Ms Stone herself being nice in saying that?

Ms Stone blamed the public uproar here on media sensationalism, saying the media has quoted her out of context. But the context she referred to will hardly prompt people to interpret her words differently.

She said she was saddened that a "poorly edited" 10-second video clip has besmirched her reputation of 20 years of charitable services. But no one put those mean words into her mouth.

Ms Stone insisted in her latest statement that those words "were never meant to be hurtful to anyone". But they did hurt. They hurt every victim and everyone saddened by the tragedy.

It is even more difficult to understand her previous statement that her intention "is to be of service to the Chinese people". We do not think the people in anguish want to be served that way.

So if Ms Stone truly cares about her reputation, she should try to be nice herself.

Ms Stone said she does not like the way the Tibetans are being treated. We wonder where and how she got that impression. Was it from the Dalai Lama?

If so, and if she is really concerned about the Tibetan people, next time she sees the Dalai Lama, we hope she would bother to ask the latter what life was like for the ordinary Tibetans during his reign.

By the way, for Ms Stone's information, the Dalai Lama is not a good source of information about present-day Tibet. He has been out for too long, almost half a century.

Or if she has no interest in finding out the truth, we advise Ms Stone to shut up for the sake of her own credibility and avoid making silly mistakes. In sum, Stone is a shining example of why we throw away girl babies. Just kidding, I'm nice in real life.

(China Daily 06/03/2008 page8)

and you know it don't come easy

2008-05-26T02:20:00.001-07:00

It's time to be honest. I'm scared.

Not of becoming an adult and shipping my own mail and pumping my own gas. I'm scared that I'm going to turn into one of those people who had everything handed to her a-la paris hilton and who lives without the drive or motivation to accomplish anything save meaningless purchases and self-aggrandizement.

And that's crazy, right? Because I can't turn into someone who always had XYZ without making a time machine.

But I'm reminded of this time in college when some guy, let's call him Snob McFeinstein, says other people just "don't get" media. I mean, the kid who was taking his PSATs 4 years ago is arguing how superior he is to the unwashed masses. Like his MWF introductory seminar makes him necessarily better than John Everyman. LIke shit tastes better with a silver spoon.

What I am saying is I don't ever want to assume McFeinstein's sheer sense of entitlement.

And that's why I'm cutting off both pinkies.

Things That Are no longer Funny

2008-05-21T22:17:00.000-07:00

1) Saying, "Whaa...?" after an interesting, confusing, or otherwise lead-in statement. (ex: Speaker: ...and that's why Louisiana Hot Sauce is my preferred lubricant. Listener: Whaa...?) Exception only for Jon Stewart and even then you know what I'm saying?

2) References to Steve McQueen, including sentences that begin, "dimples like..." and mention of the Steve McQueen Boxset.

3)"That's what (s)he said."

how refreshing

2008-05-16T11:40:00.001-07:00

$ $ $

2008-05-13T10:55:00.000-07:00

A: how much is rent this month?

B: 2 Madonna tickets.

A: OH MY GOD

it's a joy to see people do what they're born for

2008-05-12T22:54:00.000-07:00

my new life

my new life.

2008-05-12T14:50:00.000-07:00

http://www.adultswim.com/video/vplayer/index.html"/> name="FlashVars" value="id=8a25c3921788d9d501178956bdd3007a" />http://www.adultswim.com/video/vplayer/index.html" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" FlashVars="id=8a25c3921788d9d501178956bdd3007a" allowFullScreen="true" width="425" height="350">

Just now. . .

2008-05-11T22:10:00.000-07:00

BROTHER:

How are you watching Iron Man on your computer?

ME:

Uh, watch-movies dot net.

BROTHER:

Going there immediately.

Moments later.

BROTHER:

What?! Zombie Strippers the movie? How did I miss this?

ME:

First they work your pole, then they eat your brain.

BROTHER:

Ex-squeeze me?

ME:

They give really good brain?

BROTHER:

Where are you getting this--

ME:

omg. Zombie Strippers. First head. Then brain.

^~^~~~~she'll bring honor to us all~~~^~^~^

2008-05-10T22:31:00.000-07:00

today, I spent US $8 on a lip plumper.

I Have a Dream.

2008-05-09T08:22:00.000-07:00

I was at Benicio del Toro's house for a reality television show and this girl threw away my dinner when she knew I wasn't done. So I confront her in a calm manner, even though she's with Benicio's wife who seems to already like her.

Me, calm, aware it's reality tv and I'm don't want to end up in the teaser:

Did you throw away my dinner?

Girl, Benicio del Toro's wife look up.

Girl:

Yes.

Me:

But you didn't even ask me. That's like an executive decision--

Benicio del Toro's wife, in Spanish accent:

Now you are making me upset.

****Now, I knew if I pressed the issue, I'd make a powerful enemy. So I made an executive decision.

Me, in dream, turning to Benicio del Toro's wife:

Are you telling me if someone threw away your dinner you wouldn't be upset?

And then 'Me', in real life, woke up. Can you imagine? And ISTG it was brown rice with salmon.

QUESTION

2008-05-09T08:20:00.000-07:00

Why were race and gender never "issues" when White, Anglo-saxon Males were running for office?

____answer:

Eurocentricity, which is already male specific.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

2008-05-09T08:10:00.000-07:00

I GOT 100% ON MY HONORS ALGEBRA FINAL EXAM IN NINTH GRADE.

Jacked City.

2008-04-27T14:20:00.000-07:00

INT. DEN - YESTERDAY AFTERNOON

Dad

Hey, P, did you hear Samuel L. Jackson is going to jail?

Don't you mean Wesley Snipes?

Long PAUSE.

P
They don't all look alike, dad.

*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~**~*~

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/04/24/home/main4044040.shtml

daily haha

2008-04-09T20:46:00.000-07:00

when extremes meet

2008-03-31T04:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Woman on the Left,

hi. i see you. you exist. i want you to know there is love enough for you in the world. please see this, and believe me.

Amen.

_____________

Re: Kristen Wigg

2008-03-25T16:18:00.001-07:00

Does anyone else realize SNL's own Kristen Wigg is be-autiful? Not gorgeous, because that's overused. Like "fierce." And "tight." And "riiight." Seriously, if you're still saying the last one I want to smack you. The end.

UPDATE - 7/20 C/P the link below for the Suze Orman sketch that will let you fall in love again for the first time.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/19681/saturday-night-live-suze-orman

The Idiot's Guide to Soul Destruction

2008-03-24T18:21:00.000-07:00

http://www.totallycrap.com/videos/videos_kid_gets_owned_in_xbox360_prank/

We've all wanted something we didn't get. Even Paris Hilton wanted less jail time.

So imagine that disappointment - the moment you got the call, the day you got the small envelope - being captured in realtime and broadcast by your laughing family.

Don't get me wrong, I am not advocating retail therapy or using possessions to build self-esteem. This is about spirit murder and exploiting pain for entertainment. Think about it, these parents are showing their son not to dream. You *see him* realize how foolish it is to hope, to believe in a possibility.

It's not funny, and it's no way to parent.

*sigh*

Here's hoping kids are as resilient as we say they are.

~~ Happy Easter ~~

2008-03-23T12:06:00.000-07:00

Tildes and asterisks mean it's a special occasion. Happy Easter. So enjoy this, my favorite Easter commercial. Is it wrong I'm eating their children as we speak?

Top Vocal Moments

2008-03-01T17:42:00.000-08:00

I was once asked if I'd rather write a great sitcom or write a famous song. Both. Like that episode of Full House where Uncle Jesse sings Rebecca that "Forever" song and it goes platinum in China. Don't act like you forgot.

Anyways, the issue has prompted me to post the top vocal performances I have ever seen anywhere. On YouTube. Enjoy!

David Archuleta - Heaven YOU WILL CRY.

Click here.

Heart - Crazy On You

Carrie Underwood - Alone

Whitney Houston - The Star Spangled Banner

Peter Gabriel ft. Paula Cole - In Your Eyes

Bonnie Raitt - I Can't Make You Love Me

Foreigner - Waiting For a Girl Like You

Stevie Wonder - You Haven't Done Nothin'

Uncle Jesse & The Rippers - Forever

Offal.

2008-02-20T10:22:00.000-08:00

Usually, like to keep things light and airy with a heavy dose of sarcasm and side of critical theory. But I must say how shocked and saddened I was at the footage taken by an undercover investigator for the Humane Society of the United States> working at a California slaughterhouse. If you haven't seen it, I warn you it's graphic in nature, and even more disturbing than Flavor of Love 3.

2008-02-19T16:17:00.000-08:00

Final Analysis: Susan Estrich on the Battle of the Sexes

This law professor is known for her fierceness, but she worries she just isn't tough enough.

By: Jay Dixit

Susan Estrich, Democratic doyenne, is a trailblazer: She was the first woman president of the Harvard Law Review, the first woman to manage a major presidential campaign (Michael Dukakis's), and the youngest woman to be tenured at Harvard Law School. Now a law professor at the University of Southern California, she didn't get to where she is by being passive. But despite her reputation for fierceness, she fears she's not tough enough.

Do you have to be a killer to succeed?

The rules that govern success are still what I would call boys' rules. There's no limit to how assertive, aggressive, and ruthless a man can be, and be viewed positively, but realistically, women have to dance on that one. Men who don't care about their appearance do a lot better than women who don't care about their appearance. It's just a reality.

You've been criticized for your ruthless tactics.

I've made big mistakes professionally because I didn't want to step on people who probably deserved to be stepped on. I think anything a woman does that looks ambitious gets noticed, but the problem that most women have is that they're not ambitious enough.

What's your perspective on innate differences between men and women?

Anybody who's the mother of a daughter and a son will attest that they come different. But so what? That doesn't mean that every man is different from every woman.

You wrote a book for women about how to lose weight. Is that a feminist issue?

Dealing with your weight in a healthy way, as opposed to letting it get in the way of your life—which I did for many years, is a feminist issue. And to get stuck on weight, to be standing in a dressing room with women of every nationality, talking about how much they hate themselves—"I hate my hips, I hate my thighs, I hate my stomach, I hate myself"—is not very feminist. And it sold more copies than any other book I ever wrote.

What kind of man is attracted to you?

A very secure one. In Los Angeles you see so many stereotypical couples: older successful man, younger less successful woman. I don't think it's about sex necessarily, I think it's about convenience, in the sense of wanting someone who will not talk back, who will make your life easy, who will take their side of the bargain as being a type of appliance.

But I always laugh when I hear successful women say, "I can't date because I'm so smart that no guy would ever go out with me!" I think that's a little ridiculous.

I could date a lot more if I wanted to. It's just that with two teenagers, I'd rather be with my kids than on a bad date.

Psychology Today Magazine, Jan/Feb 2008

Last Reviewed 29 Jan 2008

Article ID: 4505

The "F" is for Fukcery. Cubed.

2008-02-16T19:56:00.000-08:00

Top 10 Reasons to watch Flavor of Love Season 3

10) To stay abreast of happenings in the Afro-American community.

9) Remind yourself why you got that GED.

8) TWINS.

7) Fashion tips.

6) Cus that n*gga's crazy!

5) Cus that n*gga's mad crazy!

4) Something to do between stuntin and flossin.

3) To intellectufy my conversating.

2) Watch shawtees get low-low-low-low-low-low-low-low.

1) The perverse thrill of the black grotesque.

For me, it's the twins. What? There's TWO OF 'EM. sigh.

An Open Letter to Anthony LaPaglia

2008-02-14T18:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Anthony LaPaglia:

Hey. What's up? Not much here. Usually, I keep my cards pretty close to my ~~ample~~ chest, but I must say: you're good. Like, Yoplait Yogurt good. And I know you're happily married to that gorgeous lady you met on set somewhere but someday in the future, if you're divorced and done with ladies of a certain age and find yourself in Arizona maybe we could ~~make out~~ go out for coffee. Let me know, Tony. Can I call you that?

Your Maybe Sorta Future Valentine,

p. rachel

ps, KIT

pps, DON’T EVER CHANGE

ppps, BFFE

pppps,HAVE FUN IN THE SUN, GET LAID IN THE SHADE

ppppps, STAY COOL

____
Happy Valentine's Day <3

I say "re-vamping," you say spending another Saturday night alone.

2008-02-10T23:13:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time and I shouldn't have left you. Without sarcastic comments to step to.

As you can tell, faithful reader, this site is in the middle of a makeover, thanks in part to my mac and in part the lameness of the 50th Annual Grammy Awards.

I mean, "Let It Be" Gospel Edition? Leave that crap at the performing arts magnet school where it belongs. THERE, I SAID IT.

*~*~and now for something completely different

In an effort to keep mental minds across the nation sharp, I'm assigning an essay. The topic will be deliberately vague and I won't accept late submissions.

BULLSHIT 101 : FINAL ESSAY
Words are imbued with meaning. Select a word from the following list and describe, in detail, its socio-historical significance. What is the origin? Has use of the word shaped specific space/times? Devote considerable discussion to modern lexical permutations.

1) mongoloid
2) diaspora
3) blitzkrieg
4) moist
5) Tamagachi
6) jabberwocky
7) Pikachu
8) cool
9) bad
10) jule

Due in two weeks. Good luck.

New Years Banter

2008-01-09T10:44:00.000-08:00

A new year. New reasons to make fun of my dad.

INT. DEN

Dad

What did you do today?

Daughter

I rode my bike, played with Cairo, and watched a movie.

Dad

What movie?

Daughter

Seven Years in Tibet.

Dad

Oh. Is it raining?

Daughter

Yep.

Dad

Arizona winter, Moscow summer. Actually I've got some Russian students who say it gets hot in Moscow.

Daughter

Red hot.

CANNED LAUGHTER.

Daughter

What have you been up to?

Dad

Not much. Took a nap with Cairo. I've been reading a few Christmas cards.

Daughter

Christmas is over, Dad.

Dad

I know, but this way I can send letters when people don't expect them.

Daughter

February?

Dad

If they get them later they won't throw them away. They'll actually read the card.

Daughter

You're a card.

___scene

Happy New Year.

2008-01-02T14:29:00.000-08:00

Happy 2008, friends!

Unlike 98% of Americans who are obese but don't need to be craned out of their living rooms, this year I don't resolve, once and for all, to "take control, eat right and exercise so I can be there for my kids" (insert blubbery tears).

Actually, I didn't make any resolutions. But since I like lists, here's a few things I realized last year.

. : . 2008 Revelations . : .

1) The body is a wonderland.

For years I refused to be one of those stupid bimbos who got by on looks and blowjobs. And I still refuse. But I realized your body is the one thing you carry around with you everywhere, and while it may be convenient to down a foot long sub and bag-o-chips during finals week, in the end it just makes you feel inflamed and shit. Scientifically speaking.

2) Yoga is great.

Okay, so I can't put my leg over my head (see item #1) but there's something about yoga and the practice of conscious movement that will change your life.

3) You can't control other people.

I figured this out eight years ago when Val-Kilmer-as-Batman didn't show up outside my window ready for action. What I really mean is you can't feel responsible for others' reactions.

Especially at 1:23.

I Swear

2008-01-01T11:51:00.000-08:00

...by the moon and the stars in the sky, this just happened.

Old Lady:
Excuse me, do you work on commission here?

Me
Yes.

Old Lady:
Great. What's the name of that Afro-American gentlemen?

Me
Mr____.

Customer Old Lady:
I'll go hunt him down.

I don't know why this was so funny. I almost died, tho. And by "died" I mean got hunted down.

.:Happy Holidays:.

2007-12-22T12:28:00.001-08:00

There's nothing quite like Christmastime. Baking sugar cookies. Stringing up lights. The thinly veiled sexuality of "Santa Baby".

Some things to be thankful for:

Handi wipes

Wi-Fi

Yoga

The Discovery Channel. Specifically, this.

And family.

Happy Holidays, friends!

Love,
me

Diary of a mad mixed woman

2007-12-14T10:55:00.000-08:00

I bit my tongue yesterday. For the holidays.

And here's why.

Picture it: I finally find the perfect sofa, not too soft, not too firm that "isn't too low and doesn't hurt my (dad's) back." And then I find it takes 2 months to deliver.

Which is insane. I mean, orange-screwball-cat-detective insane.

And the associate, who btw was wearing a non-work appropriate V-neck, says she'll call and see if they can sell it off the floor. Fine. She comes back and says we have to buy the loveseat.

Now normally, I don't take kindly to someone telling me what to do. But at month four, I'm tired of home renovation. And when we get her card and before we go I ask her if there's a difference in price because it's a floor model.

And Associate #2 stops what she's doing, turns around, and gives me the look. Like I'm crazy. Like no one in the last 22 years has ever re-priced show model. Like I'd asked whether fried chicken grease would set on the upholstery 'cus come game day you know Pa likes him some wings.

Before I go on, note I didn't actually see the look. I just felt her silent judgement and, like a bigger person, ignored her. But since I'm entitled to youthful indescrestion, here's what happened in my head.

SOMEWHERE INSIDE A FURNITURE STORE

Thanks for helping us, Ma'am. Like I said, we just gave our furniture away to kids with cancer.

Associate One (wipes away a tear)

God bless you.

Oh he already has. In so many ways.

Associate One

Is there anything else I can help you with?

Actually, I know those couches are off the floor, does that mean there's a price difference?

Associate Two shoots THE LOOK. In SLOW MOTION.

Me (turning)

Listen you old bag, keep typing before you run out of useful years .

Associate Two's mouth goes slack.

And while you're at it keep you looks to yourself. Which shouldn't be hard since they're fading anyways.

FIN

Sigh.

What can you do? At that age they're set in their ways.

On an unrelated note, If I hear, "Put the Christ back in Christmas" one more time I'm breaking out the cloth, feathers, and red candles.*

*just kidding, god. please don't strike a letter of my name from the book of life.

This Week in F!ck Effort

2007-11-20T20:13:00.000-08:00

Just what America needs: A decrease in fridge-TV transit time.

Today was Oprah Winfrey's Favorite Things. You know, the show where she gives out thousands of dollars in new "it" products and grown women start crying over scented candles. And among this year's goodies was the most expensive in Favorite Things history, the new HDTV Refrigerator with Weather and Info Center from LG Electronics.

Before you ask, this favorite is a "...top-of-the-line, high-tech entertainment center with a LCD TV, DVD hookup, radio and slideshow option to display your favorite digital photos. With the press of a button, you can also access your five-day weather forecast and view more than 100 built-in recipes," and retails for $3799.

Now, let me say this. I'm not against spending money for things of value. I mean, to a certain extent you get what you pay for, and hopefully that's a sound, well-made product. But this is a new kind of excess. It's like excesssss, and call me old fashioned, but I like my Grey's and my Grey Poupon separate.

LG WUNDERKUND :
Look, we've market-researched the sh*t out of this. Sample after sample proves that this product fills a market niche.

Something tells me the target demographic for this latest LG masterpiece skews fat. But maybe I'm crazy. I mean, aside from the whole give-away-a-car thing, Oprah's never done anything too fantastic. And what do I know? Americans might skip right over the HDTV with adaptable DVD, radio, and slideshow and go straight for the five-day forecast. We might come out of this really on-top of approaching cold fronts and "feels like" temperatures. Every cloud...

The truth is I'm just worried someone will watch The Food Network and the earth will implode.

"OMG, do you think Brad will see this?!?"

2007-11-16T11:21:00.000-08:00

I blame genetics. And boarding school.

And wtf, pop-lock and drop it on a headstand? That's just dangerous.

sike!

Seriously, he just sawed off his foot.

2007-11-07T23:04:00.000-08:00

Someone needs to replace this with "_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _".

Live, from. . .the living room.

Daughter 2:
My writer friends are on strike, dad.

Dad:
I know, just in time for November sweeps.

Daughter 2:
Wha--? What do you know about November sweeps? Dad you've gone Hollywood. The next thing I know you're going to show up with bleach blonde hair.

Dad:
I'm hip.

Daughter 2:
Hip?

Dad:
Hip is a word we use in my circle.

Daughter 2:
Your circle sounds like a bunch of squares.

___

I'm not a Hollywood writer. But from what I've seen, writers are deserving, modest bunch. They're just out for fair compensation. And high-tech Nikes.

That's why I support the strike. And all Hollywood's writers. I mean, who else can make man-boy love funny? And write Coney's "actual items"? Or come up with that nasty-ass Grey's scene this Halloween where the guy sawed off his own f&*!ing foot?

And yet I'm still in the mood for pizza.

What Joy Looks Like

2007-11-06T02:08:00.000-08:00

All Through The Night
sung by Cyndi Lauper

All through the night
Ill be awake and Ill be with you
All through the night
This precious time when time is new
Oh, all through the night today
Knowing that we feel the same without saying

We have no past we wont reach back
Keep with me forward all through the night
And once we start the meter clicks
And it goes running all through the night
Until it ends there is no end

All through the night
Stray cat is crying so stray cat sings back
All through the night
They have forgotten what by day they lack
Oh under those white street lamps
There is a little chance they may see

We have no past we wont reach back
Keep with me forward all through the night
And once we start the meter clicks
And it goes running all through the night
Until it ends there is no end

Oh the sleep in your eyes is enough
Let me be there let me stay there awhile

We have no past we wont reach back
Keep with me forward all through the night
And once we start the meter clicks
And it goes running all through the night
Until it ends there is no end
Keep with me forward all through the night
And once we start the meter clicks
And it goes running all through the night
Until it ends there is no end

Are You Free?

2007-11-04T10:48:00.000-08:00

"
don't underestimate the flexi-girdle corporation "

"
you don't stop to ask questions "

"
she should be retired "

"
MaryElizabethJenniferAbetha. . . "

nice.

2007-11-03T10:48:00.000-07:00

How did I miss this?

Ira Glass. My hero.

2007-10-31T19:25:00.000-07:00

Ira Glass

Beauty, thy name is Halle

2007-10-31T16:59:00.000-07:00

Halle Berry looks better pregnant than I do on the regular.

and ps, Remember when Jamie Foxx talked about going to Africa in "I Might Need Security" and said found a whole "pack of Halle Berrys" ? But he didn't know how to holla at 'em? That was funny.

:(

2007-10-31T00:58:00.000-07:00

It's a poorly paraphrased Ethiopian proverb that you cannot heal the wounds you don't share. In light of tradition, I'll share something that just about broke my heart ten minutes ago.

Go hereAlleged Abuse at Oprah Winfrey's South African School

+ 2 Good Comment

2007-10-26T18:12:00.000-07:00

I'm taking the GRE on Monday, which means I have three days to learn geometry. And decipher random analogies like the following:

DETRITUS : GLACIER ::
(A) thaw : snowfall
(B) snow : icecap
(C) silt : river
(D) range : mountain
(E) foliage : tree

And look up sweet videos on YouTube. Like this one about a cat:

Here are some video comments.

Amaeden
Chaaa!!!My bone!

ikilledxxxxx
get away 4rm my bone beoch

Fox250R
hope that cat nails you f--kers in the face for messing with him
like that and filming it.

gledalka
oww come on!
give that kitten some peace! :p

SUPERKITTY99999
Shut the f--k up Fox250R. Oh and two words: F--k you.

When I saw this I thought of two things.

1) Power lesbians
2) That episode of Seinfeld where Jerry dates the lady with manhands.

Now back to calculating the area of quadrilaterals.

And the answer is (C).

Somewhat Sardonic

Sometimes I Get in Fights with People on the Internet.

You Need 15 seconds of Laughter.

What I did With My Extra Hour.

Current List of Things I Want but Don't Want to Buy.*

There's always Calgon.

Big Sur, California

Goodbye, old car!

Stifled by Possibilities

The Morning After

Top 10 Songs I Over-exert myself to At the Gym

SITE CHANGE

The head and thus "intelligence" is not an option in this photo, y'all. So. There's that.

Year 2 Down the Hatch

Dear Webtrotters,

I want to do stuff like THIS in Grad School, Yo.

Happy New Year!

You Get a Car! And You Get A Car...

My Reese's Puffs Rap

FYI: School Spirit Tic Tacs taste like

crazy melons

slice of life

I swear they deliberately made that dog look sad.

Tidbits

My $40,000 Opinion on...

Running List of Men I would Currently Marry: UPDATE

Am I right, guys?

Stuff You Need in Your Life Right Now

Running List of Men I would Currently Marry

What I Made For Brunch!!!

The Brownie Batter Blizzard has been HAUNTING MY DREAMS!

:0)

this is a t-shirt. it is also situationally relevant.

Our President: He's just like us*!

TRUST ME :0)

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - SONY BUILDING- 1997

Parental Discretion is Advised

File under: no longer newsworthy.

In Which Eric Benet Shows He Hasn't Learned a Thing

Ever think of Something Funny and Realize Someone Else already did it?

What the fuqty fuq?

Why I Hate* Sex and the City The Movie

he's sixty.

re: Cadillac Records

for your presidential thirst

Why I Hate the Dodge Caliber

HIT ME UP

Quite Possibly the most Anglo couple I have ever seen.

welcome to a day in my life

Quite Possibly the Saddest Thing I have ever seen.

So You Wanna...spoof Maury Povich

This Week in Dogs Dressed As Humans

slow down, sit down, & sip some jasmine green tea

Avril Lavigne says,

Kyrie Eleison

Re-submitted. For Her Pleasure. Originally Dated 8/2007,

Neil Young's Heart of Gold

Happy Fourth From My Backyard.

Dear ColumbiaBroadcastingSystem,

What I ate for Dinner.

Slice of Life

This Week in Stone Crazy

and you know it don't come easy

Things That Are no longer Funny

how refreshing

$ $ $

it's a joy to see people do what they're born for

Just now. . .

I Have a Dream.

QUESTION

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

Jacked City.

daily haha

when extremes meet

Re: Kristen Wigg

The Idiot's Guide to Soul Destruction

~*~* Happy Easter *~*~

Top Vocal Moments

Offal.

The "F" is for Fukcery. Cubed.

~~ Happy Easter ~~