Are You Strong Enough . . .

It's no secret. We've been competing with Britain since the Revolutionary War. And it sucks, 'cus they have all the good stuff. They've got cool accents. They have original sitcoms. They have little muffins filled with nooks and crannies. And it looks like they've bested us again- -in the inspirational triathlete category. This most recent middle-finger from overseas looks like a peace sign, and goes by the name of Bear Grylls.

According to the official website, Bear Grylls spent three years in the British Special Forces before a parachuting accident broke his back in three places. Three years later, he became the youngest Brit to climb Mount Everest.

Then he circumnavigated the UK on a jetski.

Then he sailed across the North Atlantic in an inflatable boat.

Then he had a dinner party. At 25,000 ft.

Then he saved Bill Blaskey from a burning building.

Now he's working for Discovery.

Man Vs Wild, Grylls' American debut, came out weeks ago, and features the survival expert in life-and-death situations with nothing but know-how and a camera crew. Recent episodes chronicle Grylls' trek through scorching heat in the Moab, adventures in the Costa Rican Rain Forest, and escape from an icy river in the Alps.

So Grylls is a maniac, you say. This is in no way definitive proof of Britain's superiority, you say. We have Lance Armstrong, you say.

That's where you're wrong, America. We're on the losing end in a battle of inspirational icons. Just click to examine the facts:



One look at these statistics would send Lance crying to ____supermodel____. For all we know there are tons of Bear cubs percolating in M16!

The truth doesn't lie. We need a new Armstrong.

In the meantime, I'll be sleeping.