home is where da haters is

Ah yes, the holidays. Time for overpriced gift baskets. Figgy pudding. Passive-aggressive family arguments. First one transcribed here.

INT. FAMILY KITCHEN -FIVE MINUTES AGO

Dad is sick. Assume soup is chicken noodle.

Dad:

You and your sister had some garlic yesterday. Will you find it for me and add it to the soup?


Daughter(stoops to open fridge drawer):

Fine. It's the best computer out there. It has everything I need.

Dad:

Yeah, yeah.

Daughter (beligerent):

Similar PCs cost twice as much! And they don't have everything I need!

Dad:

I'm sure--

Daughter(checks the upper fridge film cubby):

It's true! I've been looking for months! How do you think I did that video?

Dad:

I know, It's probably the best thing for you, it has all the graphics and design and stuff you do.

Daughter (neck deep in the left cabinet, you know, the one with that santa tin you see every year and you're like 'what's in that tin?" so you open it up and it's old recipies for cornbread):

I think h---n only bought one clove. Plus, I already have all the software.

Dad:

She bought more. I saw--

Daughter:

You're sending me on a wild goose chase here!

Dad:

Look in the pantr-

Daughter:

Goose chase!

Dad:

What do you mean you have all the software? You're doing this illegal stuff, don't end up in jail.

Daughter:

The Mac Book Pro is wireless. Plus it's under six pounds. My PC weighs 8!

Dad (in whiny baby voice):

Aw, eight pounds.

Daughter:

Are you patronizing me?

Dad:

You're patronizing me. Listen, I don't doubt it's the best thing for you. It has all that software and stuff you use. Just don't expect me to pay for it. (beat)

Daughter (secretly disappointed):

I don't see any more garlic.

Dad:

Fine. You've been looking for months.

FADE TO DISDAIN

___

updates pending.