The Definitive List 2007

Six months ago, I would have said boys smell like feet and that boyfriends are just boys who have formal access to your body. Because I'm a romantic. But since then, things have changed and let's just say my tastes have graduated (class of '07 stand up *bullhorn). And that's why I'm proud to bring you the definitive 'it' list.

But before you ask this isn't some "OMG most eligible bachelor someday we'll be together until then get the Hagen Daz" shit. In fact, a lot of these guys are married with children. Rather, what follows is a list of guys SS deeply appreciates. Because men are more than embryonic zygotes fertilized with an extra--okay that was getting gross.

THE DEFINITIVE LIST for 2007

just about says it all.

It Guy #1: David Alan Grier

He's zany. He's accomplished . He's spontaneous. And ever since he played Gerard, and dated Halle Berry in Boomerang, he's been one of my favorite people. With years of theatre training and a strong stand-up and improvisational background, Grier looks like he could make anything funny at the drop of a hat. And he does. Regularly. As a host on NBC's Thank God You're Here. That's hot, Paris.

It Guy #2: David Chappelle

Savant is a good word for this guy. I owe years of awkward class discussion to you, Dave. My laughter let the 'other' kids know it was 'cool' not to find deep social commentary in crack-addicted project dwellers. So just in case you're out there. . .

Dear Dave,
What's up? nmh. Just wanted to let you know I don't care who you are, what you do, or where you decided to go after the whole Comedy Central thing. I still love you. And in 21 years, I have never seen a comic so dramatically revolutionize the game. I could be ignorant, but then again, you could just be that good. Not that the two are mutually exclusive. A-town down.

ps--was it network pressure? you can tell me.

genius.

It Guy # 3: Will Ferrell

Completely uninhibited this man is. And that's an ingredient for genius. Who do you know that names his son Magnus? I mean, Magnus? That kid should get ass kickings on principle, but something tells me the kiddies will say, "Wait a second school bully, that's Ferrell's kid." Love ya. Period.

look up, marlon. say cheese.

It Guy #4: Marlon Wayans

There's an episode of The Wayans Bros. where Shawn tries to get Marlon an acting job. In front of a casting director, Shawn tells a series of lies to induce a variety of Marlon's facial expressions. And it was good. So since then, SS has loved the guy. I mean, sure he's funny, but he's got range (Requiem, anyone?), and you can tell he comes up with good ideas. With so much personality, who cares if White Chicks made me and my older brother feel stupid. And not un-PC extra chromosome stupid. Torso Tiger stupid.

thank you, jesus.

It Guy #5: Ben Harper

Fight for Your Mind? Shut up. "Ground on Down" ? Stop it. Diamonds on the Inside? Shut yo mouth. This delicious lightskindddedd fellow helped SS reclaim its youth. Trust us, skinny dipping is all the more fun while listening to record 2 track 2. Alas, he's happily married. To a fake paleontologist.

don't make me pinch those cheeks.

It Guy #6: Emeril Lagasse

This man has got zest. And not just the kind on lemons. Watch a segment of his show and you'll see a man who loves what he's doing, love's who he's doing it with, and is good at doing it. Plus, he's quick on his feet. If I knew more Portuguese than "popozao" I'd ask him how he got so sweet. Aw yeah, babe.

It Guy #7: Jordan Carlos

dorkalicious.

Along with a brief stint as Colbert's black friend (I wasn't available), Jordan Carlos has a firmly established career in stand-up. A New York native, Carlos started off in advertising then hit the road telling jokes across the country. And sometimes, says exactly what we at SS are thinking. And now he co-hosts a kid's choice show on Nickelodeon. So feel free to leave "~*omg. we, like, are sooo alike ! ! :-P ~*~~*" messages on his myspace.

Honorable Mentions

Val Kilmer

uh, the one on the left.

True story: I was in love with this man from ages 12-15. Maybe it was his strong jawline. Maybe it was his full lips. Maybe it was Memphis. Either way, Val, your face was all over my TrapperKeeper.

Gary Dourdan

uh, the one on the right.

A friend of mine once described herself as "sex walking down the street." She has a venerial disease, but let's hope that's not true for this guy.

And no, I did not rent Trois.