This Week in non-News News

Lindsay Lohan was arrested. Again. For chasing down her former assistant's mom and possession of cocaine. And then she told the cops she was innocent because she was holding it for a friend.

seriously though, all joking aside, someone please send help.

Hmm. Lindsay, if that excuse didn't work for Tyrone and 'dem, what makes you think it will for you?

I mean, I don't want to say she's a spoiled, narcissitic, drug-addicted whore. But I don't know sign language.

Also in the news, "artist" Avril Lavigne is being attacked for allegedly

stealing another singer's lyrics.

Photo: Lavigne inventing the bird.

The singer, Chantal Kreviazuk, claims Lavigne was unfairly credit for a song Kreviazuk wrote. I would say more about this, but it's just like two dogs arguing over who took a bigger shit on the sidewalk.

Also, a cat named Oscar is predicting people's deaths. Oscar, a tabby living in the ward of a Rhode Island nursing home, is attracted to residents who are about to die, often snuggling the feet of the soon-to-depart. Amazing one because it's a cat, and two because all the patients eat Friskies. In a rare interview, Oscar told Katie Couric he, "Wouldn't [stop] until he re-appropriated pussy control."

c/o cnn.

In an unrelated story, don't forget to YouTube Beyonce's slip-up. My how the mighty have fallen. And then got back up. And grabbed a mic and had a seizure.

And oh yeah, Ja Rule and Lil' Wayne were arrested. See below.