T'was the Day

T'was the day before Christmas and at every in-house,

copywriters were stirring

to sell you dumb sh!t.

The day before Christmas.

Retailers say it competes with the busiest shopping day of the year (take that, black people I mean friday). Analysts studying consumer trends note 2006 as a record year for procrastinators, forcing popular brands to make drastic last-minute mark-downs. Good for your wallet. Bad if you’re in ad sales.

Imagine the task: creating an ad/image/scheme that will cut through the chaff of flashy retail mumbo jumbo and get noticed by John Q Public.

INT. LEO MATHER BULIDING-- DAY

Surrounded by a YOUNG UPSTART, ATYPICAL ASIAN, MESSENGER BAG GUY, and FUNNY GIRL, YOU wait eagerly for the HEAD HONCHO to dole out assignments.

HEAD HONCHO(fashionably late):

Maybe you didn’t notice the mistletoe above my door. Maybe you didn’t get a fifty-dollar bonus check signed "Santa." Either way, the holiday season is upon us. As you know, we’ve been hired by Popular Retailer X. Now Johnson in market research says people associate X brand with words like “safety,” “performance,” and “cheesecake.” So, the question is how do we build this into a final quarter sales boost?

YOUNG UPSTART:
What if we emphasize X’s enduring, positive attributes with seasonal slogans? Something like “X’s product. Let the spirit of Christmas last all year long.”

ATYPICAL ASIAN:
Yeah and we can show a husband a wife kissing in X during all four seasons.

FUNNY GIRL:
And then they pass out because they haven’t had any food.

HEHO:
Sounds good. How soon can we get some story boards?

MESSENGER BAG GUY:
Say the word and I’ll bike to Kinko’s.

YOU:
Wait a second, didn’t Ogilvy do that same campaign for Krustez® Saltines?

HEHO:
Damnit. Time for Plan B(abes). Assistant, start calling supermodels. And get me a double-shot Latte. I’ve got some lovin’ to do.

CART: "HOT STUFF"

FADE TO MONOTONY

The “ sex sells” mantra has put many companies and products on the map, but not all agencies go the love canal route—and I’ve seen some ads this season that made me think, “Hey, that’s good copywriting.” (nice work, kohl’s. I love you, Geico.) But style aside, our culture is saturated with product advertisements. Just check out this Frontline Special (brought to you by PBS). In this kind of climate, how long until the DMV rents wall space? Until ads are printed on airplane window sliders? How long until there’s a Market Research Barbie…and friend Christie (conscience sold separately)?

I understand agencies must invent new ways to compete. Just don’t make consumers casualties on brand battle ground.