Why I Hate the Dodge Caliber

A hearse with "flava."

The seatbelt buckles like a motherfucker.  

It rides like the back seat of a shopping center roller coaster.

What do you mean single CD changer?

___

If you own a Dodge Caliber and/or Chevy Cobalt,  now might be a good time to call your mother. srsly

INT. DODGE CALIBER - NOW

WOMAN'S VOICE (OVER THE PHONE)

Hello?

YOU

Mom?

MOM

Yes? Are you, is everything alright-

YOU

Mom, I took the Honey Do List you left on the fridge,

MOM

 Sigmund Freud has a perfectly logical explanation for our feelings, baby-

YOU

It's not that, mom.  I'm in the Caliber.

MOM

What?! But it's American made,

YOU

Yes I know just listen,

MOM

Oh God baby,

YOU

 I just accelerated through a turn,I don't know how much time I have left,

MOM is SOBBING.

YOU (CONT'D)

 I had to call, to say, I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.

MOM

 Sure, they compare the rates of up to three leading insurance companies-

YOU

FUCK that's Progressive and I just shifted gears are you trying to kill me?

MOM 

No!  It's just the girl from the commercials with the buttons is so witty I'm sorry-

YOU

Sorry isn't going to bring Dad back. (a beat) Shit the check engine light is flashing,

MOM

 Two yolks. Why couldn't I have been frugal? Who are we the Rockafellers? 

YOU

 I took the list.  I took the keys.  I called to let you... damnit. Chevy Cobalt, twelve 'o clock. 

MOM

Shit tell me, son/daughter or child of a drug addict cousin

YOU

Mom..., I just accepted your G-chat request.

TIRES SQUEAL.  THE SOUND OF METAL AND GLASS. 

A DIAL TONE. 

TOKYO, JAPAN - CONTINUOUS

Two COAL HAIRED MEN toast SAKES.  

FADE OUT.