Celebs O(rpha)n that New Sh!t

Professional singer/cultural interloper Madonna has stirred up press lately with plans to adopt David Banda, a young Malawian boy. The child, whose mother died during birth some 13 months ago, was taken to the orphanage by his father, African subsistence farmer Yohane Banda.

Madonna arrived in the region under the auspices of Raising Malawi, a charity founded by the entertainer to support AIDS orphans. Less than three weeks later the child, tentatively named David Banda Mwale Ciccone Richie-Rich, was flown to the Richies' London home. The speed of transaction led many humanitarians to accuse the pop diva of playing her celebrity card to make "time go by...(less) slowly."

David's grandmother, 56 year old Asianati Mwale, applauds the decision, and is quoted saying, "We trust (that Madonna) will look after our child well, and he will have a better life."

Facilitating a "better life"--which already includes designer bibs, a $10,000 rocking horse, and a Salvadorian nena--seems all the rage in Hollywood right now. David's adoption comes months after Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt acquired their daughter, Zahara Marley, from Ethiopia. The adoption was a first for Pitt, who swore to only adopt other people's adoptees.

Sigh, how noble, you say. This adoption thing's a win-win, yes? No.

Celebrities like Madonna are helping orphans become a fad. Pretty soon everyone's gonna want an African baby. You won't be 'in' unless you're toting a disprivileged child. Sheer social anxiety will cause celebs to send their assistants on the hunt for that "perfect Kenyan pre-tween." Systems will develop that shuffle babies from native land to land of free to summer home in Salisbury (Fig. 1).

But what will these kids learn when they grow up? Worst-case scenario:

David Banda Mwale Ciccone Richie: Heard you're from Africa. Whereabouts?

Zahara Marley Jolie-Pitt: That place with all the flies.

DBMCR: Stellar. Nice diamond earrings.

ZMJP: Nice diamond necklace. Macchiato?

So maybe that's being a little harsh. Maybe adoption isn't trendy. Maybe there is good in transforming a life in tattered clothing to a life in tattered $45 clothing.

But a year from now, don't let me catch David in the back of a closet with a Louis Vuitton bag.