THIS WILL CONFUSE GIRLS EVERYWHERE

Adults have common sense. Mortgages. A special section in the video store.

Kids have runny noses. High fructose juice boxes. Temper tantrums in aisle 7.

Everyone knows kids are babies—that’s why exploiting them is taboo. And that’s why Mattel’s Barbie™ Candy Compact is so rude. But me likey the new compact, you say. It even has a real mirror! Little Sarah is going to love it! What might could go wrong? CUT TO:

INT. SMALL HOME –- EVENING
SINGLE MOM, 40, arrives after a long day at FURR’S CAFETERIA. The double shift has left streaks in her hair and across her apron. BUNIONED TOOTSIES slip from dirty sneakers. The sole is worn.

SM (yells)

Sarah honey, I’m home!

There is SILENCE.

SM (anxious)

Sarah?

A brown paper bag CRINKLES as SM, 40, STOMPS down the hall. A SINGLE RAY OF LIGHT slices the darkness. Someone is in Mommy’s bedroom.

INT. MOMMY’S BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS
Door CREAKS open.

SM

Hey sweetie, I brought you some of those cooki-

The cookies CRUMBLE. Tubes of Chocolate Truffle and Strawberry Soufflé cover the vanity. Liquid foundation smears the mirror. It looks like Mary Kay exploded.

SM (gasping)

What happened?

SARAH (teeth are Old Lady Red)

Mom...help me.

Hmm, candy powder girls watch themselves snort. . . Parents, unless you want daddy’s little angel to wake up naked in a San Juan hotel room with crumpled cash on the night stand talkin ‘bout “my bellybutton hurts,” do yourself a favor. Buy a Bratz™ doll.