Redhead Goes Platinum

Nearly two decades after initial release, Disney's The Little Mermaid is still sinking competition.

A new, 2-disc Platinum Edition DVD, which includes all the deleted scenes and director's commentary $14.87 can buy, has surfaced in over 4 million homes this week alone. Fantastic, you say. Swashbuckling fun the kids will love. But before you do fifty knots to local retail store, let's look closely at this source of family entertainment.

Ever since Walt penned a floppy-eared mouse in trousers, Disney has become an animated film juggernaut devouring childhood. A Disney film was baby's first feature. A Disney doll was baby's first toy. Baby's first sh!t was in Donald Duck diaper. With so many tender moments (remember when Bambi's mom died? pass the popcorn), why not cop that LMPDVD?

• Disney has a reputation for pseudo-sexual animated freakiness.

Have we forgotten the Lion King dust incident? Surely not the Rescuers peep show? The Little Mermaid's golden phallus? Rumors, you say. And so what if some over-zealous Methodist Baptist Church bans a flick or two. Latest rumor: Police are en route to your house to arrest parent who's okay with "just a little sexploitation, if it's only a little."

• DVD now, diabetes later.

Kids already watch Disney films five times in a row. Imagine what will happen when you tag on slideshows, "Under da Sea" remixes (Sebastians's idea) and alternate endings. What happened to the great outdoors? Semi-regular physical activity?

• The Little Mermaid will destroy lives.

It's about a girl who risks everything for some stranger's approval. He likes you? Great. Have fun pushing something the size of a melon out something the size of a cherry. He's just not that into redheads? Damn. Enjoy life-long servitude. TLM teaches young'ns their happiness depends on some Dick, Tom or Harry (and he'll like you better silent). I can see the future of M/F relations now. . .

Little Sally, 19: Oh, Name Here, love me so I can love myself!

Name Here: Yeah, about that. . .(pulls down pants)

If Sally needs this much approval, she'll spend a lifetime slobbing dinglehoppers. Digitally remastered co-dependence? Not a good look.

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It turns out Time rated Bambi one of the top 25 horror films of all time.  Don't believe me? *pulls out shotgun* jk. link:  http://www.time.com/time/specials/2007/article/0,28804,1676793_1676808_1676840,00.html