Current List of Things I Want but Don't Want to Buy.*

1) A Nylon Rug. For walking.

This one says, “Why take a chance on scaring women away?”

2) A Dresser. For clothing.

Cats not included.

3) Harney & Son Earl Gray tea. For sipping.

Them shits is delicious. That's their actual tag line.

4) A full-size bed. For sleeping.

Reminds me of the summer I was really into The Sims. Until I entered the cheat code for unlimited money. Which is [Ctrl] + [Shift] + C, "klapaucius," then, "!;!;!;!;!;!;!;!;!;!. You’re welcome.

5) An FM transmitter. For listening.

To all my legally downloaded Kanye re-mixes.

6) Diamond studs. For wearing.

Three month’s salary. Because I make $150 every two weeks. J WORTH IT.

7) A kitten. For cuddling.

The one on the right is my real cat. In my real backyard. Who I’ll be replacing with a kitten.

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*By "don't want to buy," I mean "Could buy but then wouldn't have any money."

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Dear Stalker Internet Boyfriend,

It's me, Pauline. But you already knew that LOL! Anywho, when we finally meet on accident at a time and place of your careful planning, presenting me with any one of the above items would result in my immediate happiness. And you want that right? For a little while? Before I refuse your advances and you string me up like a pinata off the line, "If I can't have you, nobody will." Thanks.